His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
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Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
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Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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