Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
