the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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