she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
