i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet