Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Randomize
