i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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