My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize