my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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