When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
be right there i have to get my cape
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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