Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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