I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
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