dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize