she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
