the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
you had me at cake vodka
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
