the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
