btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
