last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
