he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
