trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
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you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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