apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
