Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
