Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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