the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
