I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
