I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
