Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"