I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
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I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
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I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend