Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.