but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
