There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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