if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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