Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.