I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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