Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
