My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
