If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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