Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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