I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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