yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
