life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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