i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
