Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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