drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
