Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
