all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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