This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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