My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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