Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
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So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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