dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
