he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
