she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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