your parents love me but you hate me
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
