when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
