Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
