I molested 6 butterflies tonight
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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