I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
