He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
