So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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