My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
