I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
