Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
