i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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