you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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